Still Here

Yes, I haven't posted in forever. The few days after the election when I allowed myself time to breathe on account of needing to recover, the process of recovery pretty much took most of what I had, and little was left for blogging. Honestly, little was left to say.

Once I began to recover substantially to have something to say, I remembered I was in law school and said, "Oh, SHIT." And have since been playing catchup.

So don't expect a lot of posts in the next few weeks.

But some brief updates:
- School is frantic. I'm not too frantic, but I'm not the frantic type. I'm the CT version of frantic. Everyone else, however, is having an aneurysm, which amuses me, because they're all further ahead of me in terms of work progress.
- It's still 90 degrees here half the time.
- I miss snow, and Pittsburgh, and my east people. No urgent pining or catastrophic emotional breakdown, I just miss y'all.
- LT now lives in Fullerton, which is in Orange County, where at election time there were Yes on 8 signs HANGING FROM THE BLEEPING TREES. But the apartment is really nice, and Fullerton itself has a not-bad feel to it, and LT's daily routine gets to include a train. And of course, we are happy to be relatively together again.
- The cats are doing well.
- I can't believe the Penguins are still playing hockey without me.
- Skype rocks! (HI MT!!!)
- The Cali Supreme Court granted review to determine the validity of Prop 8 (it is being challenged on the grounds that it was too substantial of a change to have gone through the amendment process, and should have instead gone through the more stringent revision process). Deadlines for various briefs and responses stretch until January 21, and word is that the hearing will likely be in March, with the decision sometime after that.
- The Steelers got the first 11-10 final score in NFL history (MGGramskyGramboski!! Hi!!) but it was cheapened because the TD that was disallowed on the last play should have been counted. Either way they won. I'm happier with the oddball score, but betting folks aren't.

That is all.

Emotion Cocktail, Mostly Bad

Last night and this morning brought a ridiculous mix of emotions, not surprisingly. Also not surprisingly, most of them are negative. I'm happy that Obama won. I used to be ecstatic, but that was before other results started coming in. Driving to the No on 8 post-election party, before I heard any real results, I was shedding tears listening to Obama's acceptance speech on the radio. Shortly thereafter, I was shedding tears for a very different reason.

I can't help but feel a sense of bitterness about the Obama celebration. All the talk of hope, inclusion, moving forward, joining together, I can't help but feel that it's not meant to be everyone joining together. How can it be, when 3 out of 4 initiatives against gay marriage passed? How can it be, when Arkansas wanted so badly to exclude the GLBTQ community that it trampled on the lives and needs of helpless kids, by passing a measure that unmarried couples cannot adopt or serve as foster parents? Do you understand that? Do you understand that hundreds of kids in Arkansas will be denied perhaps their first chance at stability in their upside down lives, and it's because people hate gay people just that much? Come on people, this is shit they do in China! How can it be meant for everyone when Obama's own words speaking out against gay marriage provided the last bit of fuel that helped push Prop 8 to success?

How can it be, when the news this morning is filled with pictures of people celebrating, beaming with joy and glee, at their accomplishment of successfully stripping away the rights of millions of people they have never met, but spent tens of millions of dollars to oppress?

I'm sorry--I'm very happy that Obama won. I do believe he represents the best chance for this country to move forward and heal. From a social context, his victory is amazing, and historic, and not something I thought I would see in my lifetime; not just that he won, but HOW he won. But I don't believe right now that this party is for everyone.

Election Eve

I usually don't do this, but I'm manipulating the timestamp on this post because it most assuredly needs to be labeled under Monday, Nov. 3rd.

So here it is, sometime after midnight the day before Election Day, when Prop 8 is getting voted on. Tomorrow we're doing a massive poll visibility action, dispatching volunteers to polls across California in supportive areas, taking one last stab at making sure undecided people have their questions answered, and supportive people actually know which way to vote. I'll be one of the dispatch captains for Santa Monica. The mix of emotions is ridiculous, and even though I need to be up in about 3 hours and 45 minutes, it's tough to sleep.

Of course first up is the anxiety. How could there not be anxiety, waiting for the verdict of whether all the people who care about equality and rightness in this world...OK, in this state...are willing to get up and vote for it? Waiting to see how many people out there still truly believe that I and my queer family are inherently wrong?

But there's way more than that. There is excitement, there is pride, there is happiness, there is love, there is just plain tired. There is the bittersweet realization that after tomorrow, I will have so much more time to reconnect with my "regular" life...the friends back home who have suffered from my hectic schedule, the neglected laundry and classwork, the day to day things that just don't get to happen when you're gone from morning till night most days. (A HAIRCUT!! WOOO!!!!) That's the sweet. The bitter is that I won't have this regular connection with the amazing people I've met through this campaign.

And oh, the people I've met through this campaign...when I realize what a short time it's been in the grand scheme of things, I'm amazed. It feels like I've spent years bonding with these people; it's been a month and a half. I've met, learned from, grown to love, and been inspired by so many amazing people, I hesitate to even name any names for fear that I'll leave someone out. But if there's one thing a law student's posts have, it's enumeration, so there you go.

The No on 8 staffers, many of whom moved themselves to California from across the country to pour their hearts and souls into this work. Aimee, who's been living out of the apartment of someone she didn't know before this campaign. Trystan, who is quite simply amazing and inspiring, and a beautiful example of how you can be true to yourself and who you are, and still make a living and do good in this crazy world. Stephen, another law student who found time (I don't know how) to join the No on 8 staff. The others, Anne Marie, Elizabeth and Dale, who I don't know quite as well but who are all phenomenally dedicated and warm people.

And my fellow volunteers, many of whom are from UCLA. Russell, who never says no and was out there even more than I was scouting polling locations on Halloween night. Mikael, who pulls all the strings on UCLA campus, and ALMOST made me misty eyed at the staff meeting this evening. Erik, who continually let himself be conned into more and more, including 5 1/2 hours to do the early voting, plus another hour or so of rallying. Isidro and Jason, an absolutely adorable couple, and beautiful people who make me light up when either of them enter the room. Jen, who is a fellow new-to-LAer. Oh man...see, I knew I was going to forget people... And of course LT, who has been ridiculously patient as I basically said, "Yay, you moved here! OK, I have to go [phone bank/volunteer/vote/rally/etc] now."

Anyway, no matter how tomorrow turns out, I know that tomorrow evening will be in my heart and in my memory forever. After the polls close and all is said and done, we're all headed to a campaign celebration type thing (hopefully victory party!) in Hollywood. It means so, so much to me to know that whatever happens, tomorrow night I'll be with these people that I've worked with so much, and who I know are so dedicated and beautiful and amazing. Whether we are celebrating together, holding each other up, or both, I'm glad I'll be with them.

Queers, This Vitriol is for You

I realized last night one of the things that both angers me the most and breaks my heart the most about the whole Prop 8 thing. If we lose, a large reason is going to be apathy. Selfish, lazy, sad apathy.

Last night what happened was that I was confirming shifts with people who signed up to volunteer on election day. These were not cold calls. These were people who willingly gave their names and information, and said, "Yes, I care. I want to help." Doing the confirmations, mostly I just left messages (because people aren't prone to pick up when they see a crazy out-of-state number calling them), confirmed two people, and had two people back out. Those two people who backed out infuriated me more than all the people I talked to during the regular phone banking who said they were going to vote yes. At least the yes voters are honest, and are willing to stand up for what they believe in.

I sat there listening to their piss poor, obviously-fake excuses, their voices laced with apathy and flakiness, and felt my blood pressure skyrocketing. Really, considering all the work, time and money that so many other have put into this, one two hour training session, plus one three hour shift doesn't seem like a whole lot. Five hours of effort in exchange for equality and the civil protections that straight people take for granted...seems like a good deal to me.

I'm not sure why it took me so long to fully recognize the apathy that plagues us. For months now I've been face to face with people--members of the queer community and straight allies alike--who just couldn't be bothered to take the time to volunteer, spread the word, or exhibit anything more than a brief passing interest in this election. Give a few hours to phone bank. Donate the cost of your lattes for the week. Do something. Do anything. Please, give a shit.

It's the members of the queer community that get to me the most. This is YOUR life! These are YOUR rights! When proponents of Prop 8 are supporting the marriage ban, it is YOU they are talking about. They are saying that YOU are lesser, are morally wrong, are disgusting, are sinful, are repugnant, are diseased. YOU. It's pathetic how many times I've personally asked people, my friends and fellow queers to take an evening and phone bank, and watched them squirm as they stammer out their shitty excuses.

You can't be bothered to care about this? You can't be bothered to care that in areas that have passed anti-equality measures, it didn't just stop there--that the general climate for the minority group became significantly more negative overall? You don't care that if this passes, it will justify and legitimize discrimination? Really? Then fuck you, you deserve to be discriminated against. The rest of us, however, do not deserve to suffer at the hands of your selfish apathy.

If we lose this thing, I hope all those apathetic, lazy, selfish people take a moment on November 5th and realize that it's their fault. We will have lost because they couldn't be bothered to get off their asses, take a night off from clubbing, DVR Grey's Anatomy, and do something more than make a face at Prop 8. We will have lost because they told the world it was OK to treat us like shit.

It may sound harsh, but it's absolutely true. Studies have shown that the majority of people who are planning to vote yes are more passionate and more active than the majority of people who are planning to vote no. If we lose, it won't be because of numbers, it will be because of apathy. That's just fucking tragic.

Walls, Dinners, and Leaves

You're in a new place, living a new life. You constantly have tons to do--the endless readings, needing to be ready for class discussions, papers to write. You have endless opportunities presented to you to do exactly what you've always wanted to do--actively work to make the world a better place. And you take them--how could you not?! Then suddenly, you find yourself in the middle of a huge fight, against people telling you to your face that they don't think you're equal. It's nothing personal, they hope you can still be friends, but they don't think you're deserving of the same rights as they are, that deep down they feel you are morally repugnant, and they are willing to spend tens of millions of dollars to prove it.

You find yourself in this fight, not where you are comfortable. Not in a place with your long time friends and family around you. True, with a strong number of budding new friendships, but not the time-tested, weathered ones that you can truly lean on. Not in a familiar place, with comforting changing leaves, soothing rainy days and invigorating crisp ones. But in a place with alien looking palms stretching starkly to the sky, and only bright, intense days. The rays of the sun call for constant energy, but little true relaxation.

And little by little you feel yourself losing pace. The water rises, centimeter by centimeter (which is odd, seeing as it never rains). The readings go from being read thoroughly before class, to read quickly before class, to now and then not being read before class, for those professors who don't cold call. Readings begin to take twice as long, because concentration comes hard, as well as staying awake. You hit rough spots in class and don't feel quite like the competent intelligent person you were convinced you were after the rousing convocation speeches. Exams begin to loom on the horizon, and with them the feeling that you should be doing more to prepare, even now. You're not doing enough. You don't remember the last time you got six hours of sleep. Your shoulders and neck turn into knots, and the headache from the stress, lack of sleep and poor blood flow becomes somewhat constant. The enthusiasm with which you tackled everything just a couple weeks ago is fading fast.

You tell yourself, it's just until the election. You're tired, and you're stretched a bit too thin, but the end is in sight. The hours of phone banks, debates, meetings, stress, and angst will be over on November 5th. All you need to do is find a way to push through these last two weeks, just stick it out, and you'll wake up November 5th with fewer obligations. But until then, every moment has to be productive. Every second has to be working towards the larger goals, whether it be school, new friendships, old friendships, or justice for someone somewhere.

And finally, fuck it. You just can't do it.

This is all a long and dramatic way of saying I really learned the value of taking a little time off this week. Friday rolled around, and I just couldn't do anything. No matter how much I wanted to insist on trying to write, read, work, or whatever, I was simply not going to be any good to anyone, anywhere. So after class ended, I caught the first bus home, slept for three hours in the middle of the day, then took the evening off with an amazing dinner out with some new friends, and some good old hockey. Today was back to work for most of the day, phone banking and school work, then a movie with some other new friends. (W...it was OK...given the subject matter, they didn't have to make a phenomenal movie, and it showed.)

Earlier this week I was talking to one of the faculty members at school, and he was asking how things were going. I said they were going OK, I was pretty tired and stressed from all the election work, and was looking forward to the election being over. He commented that yeah, it's a hard thing to learn how to balance yourself, and that it's not just now for the election, but it will always be this way. I didn't think too hard about it right at that time (too busy, ya know) but I realize now that he's right. It's not as though after this election there won't be anything else to work towards, no other causes that I'm passionate about, people who need help, justice that needs to be fought for. That's never going to happen in my lifetime. So, for this election, however it comes out, I'm certainly taking away the lesson that I'm only one person, and I'll need to work on my skills a bit when it comes to picking and choosing where and how thin to spread myself. It's a good lesson, that I'm grateful to have begun to learn without (hopefully) any consequences worse than stress headaches and sleep deprivation.

An added bonus is that in taking a bit of time off this weekend, I've gotten to begin to connect more with those budding new friendships. At school, it's been connecting and realizing that, while not everyone has quite the number of obligations I've committed myself too, we all have had our moments of feeling like the class dunce. We're all feeling overstressed, and we're all feeling like we're hitting a bit of a hump. At the election work, it's been connecting and realizing that these don't have to be transient acquaintances, but the beginnings of lasting bonds with amazing, hard working, passionate people.

And then, the feather in my rejuvenation cap, I got a package in the mail today, containing genuine, honest-to-goodness, Western PA leaves of various shades and colors, courtesy of MT. And along with a few minutes of misty eyes, they brought final added strength of remembering that even if we're on opposite sides of the country, the love and support I have with all those crazy people stretches infinitely.

Indulgent Satire

In the whole Prop 8 issue, I've done my best to remain on the high ground of non-mockery, countering argument with argument, rather than with disdain and satire. However, I'm only human.

Now That's Service!

Apparently sensing my frustration with having to use a Windows machine, however briefly, Apple put the pedal to the medal and got my computer done lickity split. So today I took an unexpected yet happy bus detour home to pick up my newly restored machine.

I just thought you should all know. I know you were probably all very concerned.

Now I must get back to reading. With all the election stuff going on, I need to take the study time where I can get it. Oh, and in case you haven't had it yet today, here's your daily dose of No on 8, with a nod to LesbianDad and Looky, Daddy!:



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