So, Friday afternoon my last final ended, and almost for the first time since I got to LA, I had an extended amount of time where I didn't have to be somewhere, reading something, meeting someone, etc. All the brief times that I've had respite over the last four months, my head has been stuffed full of thinking about all the things I did have to go do. So, this is the first time that I've actually taken a deep breath, and thought about and realized what the hell I've been up to these months.
Holy SHIT, I moved to Los Angeles.
Last night, I was at a going away party for a friend I met through the No on Prop 8 campaign. He landed a job on Capitol Hill in DC--very great for him, very bittersweet for those of us here in LA who will miss him. I was talking to LT about him leaving, and it struck me that this felt very different from all the comings and goings that I've seen in LT's circle of friends, folks beginning to establish their lives coming out of college. In those cases, it's still sad, but it's expected and known. People go into the four years knowing that after they graduate, all bets are off.
It feels like such a different thing when you've been established in a permanent life somewhere. You don't meet people with an eye towards shipping off soon. You live there. It's home. You make strong friendships that become tested by time, joy and sadness. Then suddenly, either someone you know is packing up, or you are. If you're the one staying, it's the shock of cold water when you suddenly learn that a piece of your life is leaving. If you're the one going, it's a mixture of fear, excitement at whatever opportunity you're following, sadness, and....guilt. The self-deprecating side of me wants to say it's egotistical to feel that, but I do know that people miss me and, while happy for me, are sad that I'm so far away. And, when you know that you've made people you care about sad, well...in a way leaving feels like breaking some promise, some trust.
I want all you eastern people in my life to know that I really miss you all. I'm happy in school, and I know I made the right decision. I've met fantastic people out here, and begun making great friends. And I know that modern communication helps make distances seem smaller, and heck, I know that I never even lived in the same city as some of you anyhow. But, I also know, from knowing how much I miss you guys, that no amount of electronic gadgetry can completely erase the distance, or completely replace a breakfast, a toast, or a hug.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Friday, December 19, 2008
Huzzah!
Well, it finally happened -- 40 minutes ago I finished my last final of the semester, and the beginning of my law school career was officially in the books! I'm currently waiting for the bus, and thought I'd take this moment still within reach of UCLA's wireless to jot down a quick note.
It's funny, how stress builds up to a boiling point without you even realizing it, like the proverbial frog in water. I knew I had been feeling stress all semester, between school and the campaign, and I certainly knew that stress mounted as the semester wound down, between final papers, exams, and constantly dealing with fallout from the campaign, as well as attempting to piece together my own gender identity.
I definitely felt moments where the stress hit hard. Particularly, after my first final which I don't think I did very well on. Having your first final not go well is rough--I had a decent crisis of confidence, and momentarily became convinced that through the time spent on the campaign I had painted myself into an inescapable corner. I didn't regret that, but it was still hard feeling that way. I did eventually recover, and my last two finals went much better--I learned a lot about how to best prepare for an exam under sub-optimal conditions!
But, that one-day crisis aside, I didn't realize just how much stress and pressure had built up until after my last final. It was like the opposite of losing 50 pounds gradually, then suddenly hoisting a 50 lb. pack and realizing just how much weight you're not carrying around anymore. It gradually built up, insidious strain by insidious strain. Then suddenly....whoooosh! Freedom! I lost 50 lbs all over again!
Oh yeah, and I'm also surprised by the sense of accomplishment. I went along this whole time knowing in my head that law school is a tough thing, but not feeling like in and of itself it's a congratulatory event. The result-driven side of me thinks, "Well, congratulate me when we see how I did!" But regardless how I did, I do feel a significant sense of accomplishment. I still can't quite understand why, but it's nice!
And so, my task for this weekend is getting back in touch with all you beautiful folks who I have neglected for the last month, and planning my trip back east!
It's funny, how stress builds up to a boiling point without you even realizing it, like the proverbial frog in water. I knew I had been feeling stress all semester, between school and the campaign, and I certainly knew that stress mounted as the semester wound down, between final papers, exams, and constantly dealing with fallout from the campaign, as well as attempting to piece together my own gender identity.
I definitely felt moments where the stress hit hard. Particularly, after my first final which I don't think I did very well on. Having your first final not go well is rough--I had a decent crisis of confidence, and momentarily became convinced that through the time spent on the campaign I had painted myself into an inescapable corner. I didn't regret that, but it was still hard feeling that way. I did eventually recover, and my last two finals went much better--I learned a lot about how to best prepare for an exam under sub-optimal conditions!
But, that one-day crisis aside, I didn't realize just how much stress and pressure had built up until after my last final. It was like the opposite of losing 50 pounds gradually, then suddenly hoisting a 50 lb. pack and realizing just how much weight you're not carrying around anymore. It gradually built up, insidious strain by insidious strain. Then suddenly....whoooosh! Freedom! I lost 50 lbs all over again!
Oh yeah, and I'm also surprised by the sense of accomplishment. I went along this whole time knowing in my head that law school is a tough thing, but not feeling like in and of itself it's a congratulatory event. The result-driven side of me thinks, "Well, congratulate me when we see how I did!" But regardless how I did, I do feel a significant sense of accomplishment. I still can't quite understand why, but it's nice!
And so, my task for this weekend is getting back in touch with all you beautiful folks who I have neglected for the last month, and planning my trip back east!
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Things I've Learned During My First Law School Finals Period
- It's really cruel that the greatest learning resource and the greatest source of procrastination are found in the same place, namely your laptop.
- I work a lot better with headphones, rather than just music playing from speakers.
- I don't work at all if there's no noise.
- I don't regret the decisions I made through the course of the semester to work on the No on 8 campaign as much as I did.
- That being said, those decisions are probably going to affect my grades.
- When crunched for time, practice exams are way more important than memorizing more minutiae. Minutiae do you no good when you run out of time to write them down.
- The keycode to get into the bathroom at the Starbucks at Pico and Rimpeau is 1-2-3-4. Omar the barista told it to me.
- I'm eight years older than when I graduated from college, and I can't get away with hardly any sleep like I used to.
- This needing-to-sleep thing is VERY inconvenient.
- Sometimes, other people's past outlines just suck.
- Someone will look at my outline down the road and think it sucks.
- Buying the spring semester books during the fall semester finals period gives you first dibs on finding the used books in the best shape.
- This law school shit is hard!
- No matter how you feel about how you did on the exam, you have absolutely no way of knowing how your exam rates in the larger context of everyone else's exams.
- The Pens win if I listen to them online while I'm at the dining room table, but not if I listen to them online while I'm on the couch.
- Law school exams are the first time I've truly felt mentally hit by an A-bomb after a test.
- I work a lot better with headphones, rather than just music playing from speakers.
- I don't work at all if there's no noise.
- I don't regret the decisions I made through the course of the semester to work on the No on 8 campaign as much as I did.
- That being said, those decisions are probably going to affect my grades.
- When crunched for time, practice exams are way more important than memorizing more minutiae. Minutiae do you no good when you run out of time to write them down.
- The keycode to get into the bathroom at the Starbucks at Pico and Rimpeau is 1-2-3-4. Omar the barista told it to me.
- I'm eight years older than when I graduated from college, and I can't get away with hardly any sleep like I used to.
- This needing-to-sleep thing is VERY inconvenient.
- Sometimes, other people's past outlines just suck.
- Someone will look at my outline down the road and think it sucks.
- Buying the spring semester books during the fall semester finals period gives you first dibs on finding the used books in the best shape.
- This law school shit is hard!
- No matter how you feel about how you did on the exam, you have absolutely no way of knowing how your exam rates in the larger context of everyone else's exams.
- The Pens win if I listen to them online while I'm at the dining room table, but not if I listen to them online while I'm on the couch.
- Law school exams are the first time I've truly felt mentally hit by an A-bomb after a test.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Guest Speaker
Since I don't have time to talk on my own blog, I'm happy to step aside and let Jon Stewart take a guest turn.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Exam Tomorrow (Today?!)
Yeah, so - as the semester has wound down, the catchup I've played after the election has become increasingly more time consuming, as evidenced by the dwindling posts.
Tomorrow (technically later today, I guess!) is my first final, Crim. Happily I get to start off with the only closed-book final I have; nice to get it out of the way, but not so nice for my nerves.
It's funny though - through all the preparation, while I've been very busy and somewhat more stressed than usual, I haven't been nervous. Until this evening. This evening I definitely have been hit with a big case of the nerves, feeling unprepared, etc. etc. etc. It's kind of a funny feeling.
So, we'll see how it goes I guess!
Tomorrow (technically later today, I guess!) is my first final, Crim. Happily I get to start off with the only closed-book final I have; nice to get it out of the way, but not so nice for my nerves.
It's funny though - through all the preparation, while I've been very busy and somewhat more stressed than usual, I haven't been nervous. Until this evening. This evening I definitely have been hit with a big case of the nerves, feeling unprepared, etc. etc. etc. It's kind of a funny feeling.
So, we'll see how it goes I guess!
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